Excess...
An experience in three Capital Cities...
Jesus is risen! so has my nose, especially to things I don’t consider ‘proper’ by my standards. Finding out I’m the asshole in my community relationships this past month was not in my bingo cards for March (and I played bingo at a drag bar this month) but hey I guess that’s life isn’t it?
First, let me apologize for taking so long to write you. Sometimes the process isn’t as straightforward as I’d like and it has been more difficult for me to accept recently. I’ve considered myself open-minded for the longest, making considerations for most people and their experiences. You must know that realising that this may not be the case in real life is hard for me, as a self-proclaimed social butterfly (I prefer saying that in Yoruba) the realisation hits like a rejected visa application to your dream destination after a long successful streak. I threw myself at a few new things to help me write about diverse experiences easier but it made writing harder. I’m struggling with breaks because I’ve set such high consistency standards for myself and fulfilling them feels like a failure to my readers. I just hope I have some of the grace I don’t give myself from y’all.
Do you remember Postcards from Berlin? I did the same thing in Washington DC (IYKYK) 🤭and had a stern warning from the dispensary attendant not to indulge since we had work the next day. That was a trip but it helped delay my jetlag for a few days (I guess a win is a win). When I left Lagos for this trip, My mindset was to get away from the excessive stimulation I’ve had for the past few months with my commute, work and managing personal relationships while being mindful. Tell me why I leave the noise in Lagos to seek a different kind of noise in DC.
You’re probably wondering what I mean by noise. Noise is the excessiveness of America where everything is supersized, too sweet food or too curt staff, The intentionality with things that work so well that you don’t need human interactions to get ahead. Some letters ago I chastised kinfolk in the diaspora about the disdain they applied in approaching home topics or engaging their homebound friends. I was right to have at the time because I was in my feelings but the tables have turned and I’m expecting people to remain the same people they were with me 10 years ago (do you see where I’m going with this?). Noise is my expectation of the food quality to be Lagos-standard when I’m 5416.5miles away from Lagos,
it’s the way I’ve made up scenarios in my head and fought hard to make them match my expectations regardless of my lack of communication with the stakeholders of my imaginations. Noise is the passenger rage I express when someone changes lanes at a stop light right when my friend is pulling into the lane on the drive to a party in Toronto. It’s also how I found meaningful conversation starters in a Canadian house party full of Nigerian immigrants cringe because I’m refusing to be open to the idea that living here could be my reality. Noise is me telling myself that a connection I want to explore is not worth it because I think the subject of my interest is spoken for with another, even when this was never up for discussion up until a meeting was imminent.
So you see, in these 3 places Noise means something different, success does, connection does hell even communication does! And it’s hard for me to adjust to not being great at discernment right now. But it’s ok because there’s time for me to reconsider my mindset about these things. I worry that I’m regressing into my shell as the years pass and my experiences become different, worry is borrowing tomorrow’s grief I know but I can’t help it when everything seems to be changing before I’m able to catch up or realise. There’s a soundtrack to this phase of my life by Oh Wonder and it is called Stop Waiting, how so you ask? I’m stuck in the rut of perfection and it’s holding me back from seeing what could be if I embraced things as they were. I don’t need to be good at making new friends in the first party I attend in Canada, neither does my first conversation with a classmate after 10years have to be fireworks and jokes, sometimes things need to burn slowly to reveal layers of better experience. More time and chance must be given for experiences to get better and I need to stop quitting just before they get good.
Did I tell you I gave up fornication and all its variations for lent?
People of God it was hard! even harder in the final week. Yooooo! how do people take celibacy oaths? man Jesus was a hell of a Man o! Fighting tempations can be really hard when the only person you need to be accountable to is yourself and God. You might ask how but let’s get this straight I could be lying my ass off right now for the clicks but this experience was nothing like that. There were hard lessons in accountability, honesty and mindfulness that I’ve never tapped into before now.
As a woman quite in touch with her sensual side, I’ve placed a high priority on my pleasure for reasons this letter isn’t about. Making a commitment to release sex and its associates for 40 days is a big deal to me. I like sex the same way I like food so you get the drift with fasting right? You could have gone a whole day without food at least twice a week but the moment you have to ‘fast’ your appetite kicks in from 6am and everything edible looks like the most delicious thing you need at the moment. This fast wasn’t like that at first because I was busy with work. Also, I wasn’t talking to anyone I had that sort of interest in when it started, it was easy not to force my commitment to celibacy because there was no need to.
Then I met ‘someone’ an old flame if you will. The hormones hit me like an avalanche! I felt the colors of my butterflies and asked to meet every chance I got (so embarrassing yeah? I know). Somehow I’ve managed to keep things cool even in the most intimate of situations by saying exactly why I couldn’t consummate my feelings with actions. It was awkward at first but because of the existing relationship we had, it easily settled into an inside joke. While all these happened, my uterus was also doing its thing demanding self-pleasure in the absence of the real thing but GC had victory over it throughout my fast. I listened to my body but my resolve was stronger than its desires, I paused and let time do its thing.
Finally, I fessed up to my girls when things got real and we had a good ‘ol laugh about my struggles - this helped me live to fight another day but that’s all done now. A few standout lessons from this?
God felt closer to me because I filled my minful moments with bible study
I was gentler and more honest with myself which extended to my community
Pleasure from sex isn’t the only place it’s at but it ranks really high in my needs so I need to find out why that is or move with the knowledge when I find myself with potential interests who may not prioritise it.
I’m not a shallow person who cannot see past short-term gratification (I thought I was)
Now that my fast is done… let’s see how breaking it goes
2 Things…
Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros!!!: What a delicious mix of fantasies! It’s a big book but totally worth all the page turns, and to think I almost didn’t give it a fair chance when I started? Damn. Also, I missed descriptive romance. There’s just something about it that makes my heart sing. I’m less cynical for reading romance than anything else anyone might recommend even though it poses a risk of delulu.
Carnegie Apple Store DC: It’s a tech retail store nestled inside a history museum.
Yeah I know my picture doesn’t exactly do it justice but everything inside that building was just too functional for me to take curated content making photos I was taking it in in real life… We had a nice tour of the store and went up to the museum to see the longest panorama photo I have ever seen shot in negative film.
Images taken about my 2 most memorable experiences prior to the blog Now that you read through my personal business for the past few minutes, I want to hear your thoughts about it in the comments, on my social media if you know me IRL! Let’s strategies how to break the fast 😜. Until next time my people!
Happy Easter
xx