Twitter philosophers will say disgrace is the best form of character building and I agree with them to be fair. Unfortunately agreeing doesn’t mean I’m immune to it or that I know better than to put myself in a disgraceful situation.
This week I found myself in one of those slightly embarrassing situations that appeared much worse because other things were happening at the same time. Try this on for size, visiting a person who doesn’t want you around and getting silent treatment till you leave. I haven’t been that hurt in a long time.
I lost the fight against my tears and it took me back to a memory I never want to recall. First thing the next morning my bag was packed and ready for a one-way journey that won’t be returned to for a long while. In other good news, I tried something new for work and I ended up enjoying it more than I anticipated. See ehn, the way out of the poverty black hole Nigeria tries to shove us is to continue punching above your weight until something good happens. Bonus points for dealing with Lagos men - stay WICKED. Now that my personal life rant is over, let’s talk about 10 Nigerian things that are guaranteed to make you look crazy in saner climes. I’ll group them into Driving/road etiquette, personal interactions, workplace and family dynamics.
Driving/Road Etiquette
Honking at everyone for everything: you need to alert a bad driver piiim! Pass by a truck pim pim pim! Let a Danfo bus driver know he’s crazy honk! Bonus honk for big men with big cars and it gets worse if a man is trying to pick up a lady he fancies.
Cutting people off without indicating (or trafficating as Nigerians like to call it): if you refuse them right of way you’ll probably get a bombastic side-eye from the erring driver who might call you ashẹwo if he feels really annoyed by the effrontery of the small girl he’s trying to bully.
Driving a public transport bus without fuel or proper maintenance. Lagos Danfo drivers regularly put their passengers’ lives at risk of harm for sport in these parts. Can’t blame them either since we live in an elitist society where asking for accountability is too high an expectation to have from service providers.
Flinging trash on the highway: buy gala, eat it and trash the wrapper out of your windows, bottled water is not left out o, if the insanity is even stronger, some people will bring their whole trash bag from home to dump on a major road or in the lagoon. It’s not that serious, the waste management workers will clear it
Personal Interactions
Talking openly about people’s weight or appearance particularly things they have no control over. Sprinkle a bit of bigotry there and you have a fun conversation starter. “That guy is probably Igbo, see how thick the hair on his arms are” I kid you not someone said this to me at a party within earshot of the person they were referring to. The embarrassment
Traders grabbing at you in open markets. Complaining or resisting this suggests that you feel superior to them so the trader must now get more aggressive and insult you for enforcing your boundaries. Do you want more context? Google “Lagos Market March”
Family Dynamics
Fighting for your right to be a deadbeat/assh*le to (your) children: This shade is also for those who get offended when the victims speak publicly about their family experience. “What an ungrateful child”, “We will see how you parent your own” and other insensitive retorts fill the comment section from people who may be ashamed of their own experiences too. Bonus points if they share a more disgusting story about themselves in defence of the bad parents. I just wish we were kinder to ourselves.
Respect by Force: There’s a certain group/section of Nigerians standing on this wobbly table. Some even demand respect because they assume you’re less than them in whatever way; age, size, wealth, morality, social status or gender. Somehow, this behaviour disappears when they leave the shores of Nigeria to parts of the world where the common skin tone isn’t black. Again respect is earned, not a right.
Workplace
Yelling at staff (especially subordinates): I only have a question here, Why ?
Having ridiculous expectations/requirements from potential employees. See examples below:
Physical traits: light skin, sexy voice, tall etc
b. Foreign Accent/degree (poverty central is it whining?)
c. Interns with 2 years experience for an unpaid role (I don’t believe in unpaid internships)
I just want all the people involved in these shenanigans to stop playing or see a mental health professional so the rest of us sane people can enjoy what’s left of the country in peace.
My music recommendation for the week is Bad Life by Sigrid it inspired the title of this blog and her music got me through the period where I realized the world was crazy not me.
Stay jiggy folks.
The ones that throw trash on the road piss me off the most, Lagos is dirty enough as it is but they just contribute to its dirtier state